‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
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Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
Liquor Store Parking
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
Good morning, Twitter 😊
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet