‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me

‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me

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“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.


Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-

Me: I’ll take it.

Them: Sir?

Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.


Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.


broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex

woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere


Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.


Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?


me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing


Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.


I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.