‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
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Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes