My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
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I’ll sleep when I’m dead. I’ll sleep tonight as well. There’s also a pretty good chance I’ll take a nap soon.
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengers
Wife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people