This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
You Might Also Like
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.