I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
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Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
This a good idea