This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.

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[loud bar]

Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.


Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.

Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.


this headline from Australia is honestly the most accurate one I’ve seen so far


Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway


You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.

So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.


“By the way, how’s Mittens?”

-friend of the Schrödinger family


Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.


Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.

Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.


Last time I did drugs I dated an All-In-One Printer for 3 days, so no thank you.