This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.

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“Yep, I’m going to jail.”

When a State Trooper takes the same exit off the highway*


Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.



“Tired of spilling meatballs while eating in bed?”


“Maybe it’s time you re-evaluate your life.”

Me: [heavy sigh]


Officer: Did u know your back light is out

Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage


“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”


*gets down on 1 knee*
*puts 2nd knee down*
*lays on floor*
*snake noises*
*slithers out of relationship*


I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.


Simmer down with all the cheating bro, its a relationship not an Algebra exam.


I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.