@Just__J0

This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.

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@UncleDuke1969

[loud bar]

Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.

@Steven37366100

Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.

Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.

@GoodPoliticGuy

this headline from Australia is honestly the most accurate one I’ve seen so far

@1ofthe7dwarves

Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway

@MirrorAdvice

You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.

So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.

@TheAlexNevil

“By the way, how’s Mittens?”

-friend of the Schrödinger family

@_davidlucas_

Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.

@NotKarma

Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.

Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.

@weinerdog4life

Last time I did drugs I dated an All-In-One Printer for 3 days, so no thank you.