@Just__J0

This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.

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@jake_lach

“Yep, I’m going to jail.”

When a State Trooper takes the same exit off the highway*

@Extranaut

Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.

@ComedicBust

[Commercial]

“Tired of spilling meatballs while eating in bed?”

Me: YES

“Maybe it’s time you re-evaluate your life.”

Me: [heavy sigh]

@MandiAtRandom

Officer: Did u know your back light is out

Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage

@vineyille

“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”

@pleatedjeans

*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*

@skedaddle74

I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.

@Bratterina

Simmer down with all the cheating bro, its a relationship not an Algebra exam.

@ThatBrenna

I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.