Me: But can robots write poetry?!
Droid: We do not cry / when we are small / for we were never born at all
Me: [Choking back tears] Dude
this halloween i’m going as someone asking how the writing’s coming along
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Me: Do you want to be the big spoon or the little spoon?
Me: Oh. You said HUDDLE up, didn’t you?
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
In a parallel universe, your password forgets you.