Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
You Might Also Like
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.