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@geowizzacist

(after bedtime)

3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!

Me: go to sleep.

3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU

M: yes you can

3:NO I CAN’T

@ColoradoUgly

Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way

@jordan_stratton

All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.

@StarWarsProblms

Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.

Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.

*implements margarita Tuesdays*

@NervousJr

Snow White is my favorite Disney movie about a man trying to hook up with a woman who just wants to sleep.

@ShortSleeveSuit

ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir

BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job

@trumpetcake

My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.

@GlennyRodge

“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.