3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
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Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
Snow White is my favorite Disney movie about a man trying to hook up with a woman who just wants to sleep.
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.