I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
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GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
Never mess with a drunken pig.
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
“You’d better run, egg!”
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all