@Douchekevin

This hangover feels like the kids lunches are going to be a brown paper bag with a handful of change, and a note that says ‘buy something’.

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@TheTweetOfGod

The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.

@batkaren

“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom

@DaddyJew

How to organize Legos in 3 easy steps:

1. Throw Legos away

2. Tell kids you were robbed

3. Fix yourself a drink. You’ve earned it.

@perhapssomeday

No one who heard me talking to my dog would assume that English is my first language.

@causticbob

USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about

@tigersgoroooar

Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”

@Reverend_Scott

If I were a superhero, I’d be Pizza Man.

My one-liners would be cheesy, and I’d save you in 30 min or less, or your next criminal is free.

@AbbieEvansXO

Him: I missed you

Me: I missed you too

*we both reload our duelling pistols*

@Shot_Of_Cabo

Netflix had to issue a warning to people blindfolding themselves after watching Birdbox.

You all keep finding new and creative ways to be historically remembered as the dumbest society since the Enlightenment.