This hangover feels like the kids lunches are going to be a brown paper bag with a handful of change, and a note that says ‘buy something’.

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The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.


“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom


How to organize Legos in 3 easy steps:

1. Throw Legos away

2. Tell kids you were robbed

3. Fix yourself a drink. You’ve earned it.


No one who heard me talking to my dog would assume that English is my first language.


USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about


Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”


If I were a superhero, I’d be Pizza Man.

My one-liners would be cheesy, and I’d save you in 30 min or less, or your next criminal is free.


Him: I missed you

Me: I missed you too

*we both reload our duelling pistols*


Netflix had to issue a warning to people blindfolding themselves after watching Birdbox.

You all keep finding new and creative ways to be historically remembered as the dumbest society since the Enlightenment.