My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
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[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
That’s enough internet for the day
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church