@electrolemon

this harriet tubman news is gonna make it super awkward every time i purchase slaves in cash

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@BadLionGold

I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️

@caperbc75

“Can I help you find something?”

I’m looking for the perfect diamond for my wife that says “sorry I cheated on you in your dream last nite”

@Darlainky

*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*

@Contwixt

Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?

Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.

@KentWGraham

If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.

@T_Bonezzz_

How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’

@MUMSIEesq

Pro Tip:
Do not let your kids push that red button in the elevator. The fire department will NOT think its adorable.

@TravLeBlanc

When the zombie apocalypse comes, we’ll be the last to go because we never leave our houses.