this harriet tubman news is gonna make it super awkward every time i purchase slaves in cash

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I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️


“Can I help you find something?”

I’m looking for the perfect diamond for my wife that says “sorry I cheated on you in your dream last nite”


*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*


Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?

Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.


If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.


How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’


Pro Tip:
Do not let your kids push that red button in the elevator. The fire department will NOT think its adorable.


When the zombie apocalypse comes, we’ll be the last to go because we never leave our houses.