Just a reminder, folks:
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I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
Seems a bit forward
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.