What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
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Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
Stonehinge
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.