👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
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Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]