Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
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I gave my 1yo a chocolate covered raisin. He chewed, paused, then gave me a look that told me he will never trust another human being again.
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
the gender neutral term for sugar daddy is glucose guardian
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
My Bestie just got banned from Taco Bell. I cannot wait to hear this story. I have given table dances at Taco Bell and not got kicked out.
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.