This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
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HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
@ candidates for local office
[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what