I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
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Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?