@PickardJE

this has to be peak English

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@sixfootcandy

Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.

@KateWhineHall

Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.

@Darlainky

My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.

@iLikeCatShirts

Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?

Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?

@Lhlodder

My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.

@alfageeek

Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.

@Kyle_Lippert

HOW TO TRAIN YOUR DRAGON
1) Put a saddle on it
2) Get on
3) Oh god it’s destroying the village with fire
4) WHY DIDN’T I GET A CAT INSTEAD?!

@SHOWERTHlNKING

What if Harry Potter was dreaming for seven years because he ran headfirst into a wall at a train station?

@justokdane

fireman: where is fire

me: in my heart, i love y-

fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt