Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
You Might Also Like
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
HOW TO TRAIN YOUR DRAGON
1) Put a saddle on it
2) Get on
3) Oh god it’s destroying the village with fire
4) WHY DIDN’T I GET A CAT INSTEAD?!
Jesus take the wheel
~ Mexicans stripping a car
What if Harry Potter was dreaming for seven years because he ran headfirst into a wall at a train station?
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt