this has to be peak English
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Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet