this has to be peak English
You Might Also Like
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.