When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
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Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”