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me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.