This headline is a thing of beauty
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“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
Pretty much. 🤣
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
Who says great literature is dead?
Just me?
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori