this Holiday Inn has their flag at half mast…I’m assuming one of their guests died overnight

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[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now


Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry

Her: ok

Waiter: good evening

Me: good evening Barry


I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.


I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up.


She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.


*naked in court*

Judge: What do you have to say for yourself?

Me: Well apparently the definition of “flash mob” is not what I excepted your honor.


Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.

Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.


He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?

She: Roger

He: Does he bite?

She: No

He: How does he eat then?