[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
this Holiday Inn has their flag at half mast…I’m assuming one of their guests died overnight
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Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
Think I pulled my liver
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up.
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
*naked in court*
Judge: What do you have to say for yourself?
Me: Well apparently the definition of “flash mob” is not what I excepted your honor.
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
He: Does he bite?
He: How does he eat then?