church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
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Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
Still laughing at this stupid meme
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics