friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
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My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
That 👊
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
Spring cleaning checklist…
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one