Fidel Castro was alive?
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ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
Doggies just call it style.
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*