*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
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6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
Autocorrect changed impervious to I’m perviest and now I’m blocked.
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?