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Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
A wise man once said nothing.
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey