Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
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responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
*seductively peels off lederhosen
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.