This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
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asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
Happy Thanksgiving
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food