You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
You Might Also Like
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
I already tried new things thanks.
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text