*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
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Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.