This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself

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Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.


(Art Museum)

Me:*sees nature painting*

*pulls out sharpie*

*draws sun in the top left corner*

My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice


[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?


I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.


Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.


*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*


My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”


As a 37 year old man, I feel like I should know how to spell Febuary.


Kidnapping is such a strong word. I prefer the term, “surprise adoption”.