Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
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Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
Here you go, Merry Christmas!
“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”
Because I wanted to make-
Mom: NO DON’T
My presents felt
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back