@GrantTanaka

this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid

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@ElleOhHell

[front of card]
No one will find your body

[open card]
as attractive as I do

[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft

@fowlerism

[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]

HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please

ME: six

@lmegordon

Me: I lost 3 pounds!

Domino’s: I found them for you.

@gigi_k1

Life is not a fairytale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk

@HenpeckedHal

I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.

@ericsshadow

[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.

@flashember

walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane

@DaddyJew

Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong

Me: challenge accepted.

@SnarkyMommy78

My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.