this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid

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[front of card]
No one will find your body

[open card]
as attractive as I do

[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft


[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]

HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please

ME: six


Me: I lost 3 pounds!

Domino’s: I found them for you.


Life is not a fairytale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk


I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.


[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.


walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane


Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong

Me: challenge accepted.


My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.