@5hael

This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies

This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies

- @5hael

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My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.

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In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes

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[about to message girl he likes]

Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.

Brain: OR

@Tups13

Wait. What? You need two people for sex? What does the other one do?

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If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?

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MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR

@jazz_inmypants

BOSS: can i ask u a question

ME: you just did

BOSS: wh–

ME: because that was a question

BOSS:

ME: when you said “can i ask u a question.” that was a question.

BOSS: why are u in the fish tank

@abbycohenwl

Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies

@GayDeceiver

Meanwhile, in Facebook,

Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.