This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
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Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
Made something I’m not proud of
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.