This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
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[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
Just a phase…
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
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It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.