“For rescuing me, I grant you 3 wishes,” said the magic fish.
The man paused. “My first wish is sex with a fish.” They stared at eachother.
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
You Might Also Like
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
Me: lay down
Me: arms above your head
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
kicked out of church. I yelled “YEAH WE “HAVE A MARIA”, SHE’S MY AUNT, WHY DO YOU KEEP SAYING IT WEIRD”. mustve gotten too close 2 the truth
Dear girls that go tanning, it’s called ‘sunkissed’, it’s not called ‘dorito raped’.
Kids want a dog, told em I can only keep 4 things alive, them & the plant. If we add a dog something will die & I cant be sure its the plant
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
ME: I hate the Kentucky Derby. You get all dressed up and excited and the whole thing only lasts 15 seconds
WIFE: Oh is that right
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”