This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
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Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.