17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
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hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.