Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
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Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here
Yup
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
my name if I was in the mob