This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
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Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.