People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
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1: steal your married friends phone
2: change your name to “Brandi from the club”
3: call them repeatedly and hang up at 3AM
I don’t hold grudges.
-the guy who still refuses to listen to the Offspring after they used ‘cinco’ twice in the same line to get the lyric to fit.
32 is taking me to dinner, 29 is taking me to a concert, & 26 is taking me straight to bed.
I don’t have kids, did I do that right?
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
Its like they say, don’t judge a apple by its color because it might be a orange.
I’m glad it’s the thought that counts because I spend all day thinking about the shit I should be doing.
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.