@RachelWenitsky

This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”

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@preritpathak

People on Facebook Nowadays:

*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*

*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?

@SteveSuckington

Fun prank:

1: steal your married friends phone

2: change your name to “Brandi from the club”

3: call them repeatedly and hang up at 3AM

@BlueOnBlack72

I don’t hold grudges.

-the guy who still refuses to listen to the Offspring after they used ‘cinco’ twice in the same line to get the lyric to fit.

@_MoonWinx_

32 is taking me to dinner, 29 is taking me to a concert, & 26 is taking me straight to bed.

I don’t have kids, did I do that right?

@LlamaInaTux

Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?

Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out

@__MICHAELJ0RDAN

Its like they say, don’t judge a apple by its color because it might be a orange.

@NASHterpiece

I’m glad it’s the thought that counts because I spend all day thinking about the shit I should be doing.

@AtticusFinch79

FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school

ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah

*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*

ME: ive never felt better in my life

@Reverend_Scott

*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.