“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
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Me: How dilated is she?
Nurse: 4 centimeters.
Me: This is America.
Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
philosophical skeletons be like
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.