This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
You Might Also Like
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
Want followers? Tweet something funny.
Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.
Can’t say anything honest or funny?
Try Facebook.
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast