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This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.