I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
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[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
date: this is my first time at a french restaurant
me: i feel like i’ve been here once before
date: are you having deja vu?
me: no i’m having the chicken
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.