This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like

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I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.


[the first ever boomerang]

HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t


Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,

Come back to me.


GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?

ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings


went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw


[being murdered]

me: hey are u Scottish

murderer: actually i am

me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt

[murdering intensifies]


Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.


date: this is my first time at a french restaurant

me: i feel like i’ve been here once before

date: are you having deja vu?

me: no i’m having the chicken


Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.