My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
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No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
I am patiently waiting for your email
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook