This is amazing.
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I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic