This is an example of the shit I text my kid. I know, I know. Mom of the Year material right here.

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I sometimes feel like the Angel on my shoulder is on vacation & the Devil invited his cousin over for a play date


When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young

Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok


santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations

elf: *holding only a hammer* how


*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*


Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”


[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is


Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat


I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??


Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?

Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.

Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.