I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
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*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
Finally!
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps