This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
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Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x