@Cryptic1iam

This is an ugly term. This “Stalker”. I prefer unpaid investigator.

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@GingerHotDish

*waves arm in the direction of the lake*

One day, all this will be yours.

12: Are you threatening to drown me?

Me: Just make your bed, k?

@KentWGraham

<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.

@MichLKosinski

Music teacher comes to our house. Gives our kid a significant, noticeable haircut. Tells no one. Then leaves. !!!

@lisaOoOo

A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.

@mijamtweets

Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”

@justokpanda

[first day as a dog trainer]

*begins loading cargo on mile-long line of poodles*

@gwatts77

If I donate blood and you’re in an unfortunate circumstance of needing it don’t blame me for never being able to pass a drug test again.

@ItsAndyRyan

Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy