‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
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Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.