this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
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Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
secret recipe
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol