Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
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I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.